What Is Killing Your Self-Confidence and Keeping You Playing Small
Self-confidence, or the belief in one’s self, contributes to positive interpersonal interactions, increases tolerance for risk and leads to exciting, opportune experiences – plus, it feels great. However, for most, self-confidence tends to waver– especially during challenging or uncertain times.
Whether you’ve been experiencing less confidence lately or it’s been a life-long struggle, there are ways to work on it. Although you can quickly find confidence boosting tips on the internet or Instagram, going deeper will have greater impact. Going deeper involves turning inward and gently confronting the issues that may be contributing to your current state.
So, what may be responsible for killing your confidence?
One of the top confidence-killers is self-sabotage, or in other words, getting in our own way. Self-sabotage is comprised of the thoughts and behaviors that actively and passively work against our goals. Self-sabotage reinforces any pre-existing negative beliefs (ie. “I am not worthy”), feelings (ie. fear of failure) and expectations (ie. “I’ll never land my dream job”) and creates a vicious self-limiting cycle. Ultimately, self-sabotage sets into motion a series of events that prove our deepest fears true and results in a slow but steady deterioration of confidence.
We are especially vulnerable to self-sabotage when we are in a situation that we perceive may become threatening or painful. In other words, we self-sabotage to self-protect. The problem is, when we self-sabotage, we deprive ourselves of progress or achievement, stay stuck and play small.
Any situation that triggers pre-existing negative beliefs, feelings and expectations may produce discomfort or dissonance and bring on self-sabotage. Some situations include:
- New experiences
- Boredom
- Changes in status
- Changes in responsibilities
- Intimacy
The deceiving cycle of self-sabotage begins with a sense of emotional relief only to end in defeat. If only, it showed its face as what it truly is. Self-sabotage may be lurking in the following patterns:
- Procrastination
- Self-medication (alcohol, substances, overeating)
- Interpersonal conflict
- Indecision
- Not taking action or acting impulsively or ineffectively
- Being late or not showing up
- Not standing up for yourself
- Perfectionism
- Negative thinking
- Self-criticism
So, how can you stop self-sabotage?
- Identify situations that make you feel threatened
- Slow down, pause and check-in with yourself regularly
- Feel your feelings to avoid acting out instead
- Notice and confront negative thoughts and behaviors that are not in alignment with your goals; ask yourself, “Could this be self-sabotage?”
- Know your most common self-defeating habits
- Develop a more accepting, encouraging relationship with yourself
Self-sabotage is often learned very early in life and can be difficult to work through. Therapy sessions at Recharge Online Therapy can help you gain awareness of and eventually overcome self-sabotage.
When our thoughts and feelings are not being identified, confronted and processed effectively, self-sabotage manifests. Knowing and working through self-sabotage can empower you to preserve, nurture and grow your confidence.
The difficult truth is – self-sabotage hides. It is hard to recognize and challenging to overcome, but to live up to our highest potential, we must.