Stop Reeling After a Toxic Relationship – 10 Strategies to Get You Back
Maybe it’s a situationship that drives you crazy or an ex that put you through the ringer. It begins with fireworks and ends with feelings of emptiness, frustration and loneliness. You want so badly to move on, but you feel hooked. You try to move on, but you feel like no one does it better than that person – with one caveat – when things are “good.”
Toxic relationships are tumultuous and unfulfilling; they take you through ups and downs. During the ups, you feel excited, connected and hopeful. During the downs, you feel drained, negative and hopeless. These ups and downs create an addictive cycle and each partner in the relationship struggles to let go.
Although challenging to leave, it is possible to release yourself from a toxic relationship and feel yourself again. Here’s a breakdown of strategies that will help you find your ground after the experience/aftermath of a toxic relationship.
- Reconnect with Yourself and Focus on Self-Care: Give yourself the allowance and space to grieve the relationship, even if it was “toxic.” Become familiar with your feelings; this may be intimidating (especially after you’ve been so distracted) but it is crucial. It is easy to lose yourself in a toxic dynamic. You don’t think you’ll be okay or that life is good. You don’t know what excites you or lights you up anymore. You are not only grieving, but withdrawing from the rollercoaster ride and all the dysregulation that came with it. Prioritize self-care to reconnect and rebuild your relationship with yourself. Engage in activities that make you feel like you matter and remind you of your agency. It doesn’t have to be complicated – hit the gym, go sit in a sauna, make a comforting meal from scratch, read a new book or start a show. If this feels difficult, seek support or therapy.
- Recognize Attachment Wounding: Acknowledge the deep emotional wounds and patterns that led you into the toxic relationship. You are likely playing out certain attachment dynamics that are unconscious and familiar, yet have a strong pull. Self-reflect. Assigning blame to the other person and not seeing your contribution will only keep you stuck. For example, if you fear abandonment, you likely cling to/pursue rejecting partners. Was that person rejecting? Yes. However, you were attracted to that. Look at that part.
- Identify the Intended Emotional Experience: Similar to #2, but take self-reflection further than attachment. What emotional experience were you seeking? What were you trying to “prove” in the relationship? Maybe you were trying to prove your worth to a disapproving partner because you had a disapproving parent/home environment growing up. You wanted a different ending to a familiar emotional experience. We do this because our hurt searches for healing. Fill in the blank – “If I had a magic wand, what would’ve happened in that relationship?” Once you identify what you were chasing, you can address the wound more directly.
- Reduce Contact: Minimize all contact with the other person – in person, over the phone and social media. Regarding your phone, engage in activities that don’t allow you to mindlessly scroll (not what you need right now) or be on standby. Change associations your brain may have made with your phone during the time of the relationship i.e., your phone cover, ringtones, background.
- Have Empathy and Positive Self-Talk: Understand that the chemistry in your brain played a significant role in the attachment. Be kind to yourself – you are human which means the inconsistency and romantic uncertainty likely triggered biological processes that felt like an emotional hijacking. Judging yourself for what you’ve been through is not going to be productive. Talk to yourself as a friend who values you and sees your self-worth. You deserve a healthy and loving relationship; this relationship is part of your journey towards that.
- Encourage Yourself: Realize how the space opens you up to find something that is a healthier, better fit. Some people are not sure they want something healthier because it’s unfamiliar, but healthy relationships bring security and make you shine in a different way. Trust.
- Avoid Self-Blame: Don’t blame yourself for the way things ended or the pain you are in right now. Toxic relationships involve two people and the dynamics were not conducive to a healthy connection. If you could’ve, you would’ve.
- Reject Their Opinions and Take Back Control: Don’t internalize the person’s negative opinions of you or how they treated you. Their behavior reflects their personal issues and/or what the dynamic brought out in them – not you or your worth. It is helpful to date other people, if you are not too vulnerable, to reality-test (and discover that this person’s behavior was not always a reflection of you).
- Understand the Competitive Energy: Recognize that toxic relationships often involve competitive energy or a power struggle where both parties are trying to gain dominance over the other. Your best interest hasn’t been looked after in quite some time. Realize that healthier relationships are reciprocal, generous and growth-oriented – not competitive. Rest from this and set an intention to not bring this energy into future relationships.
- Reaffirm Your Values: Reflect on how you may have compromised your values and self-respect during the relationship. Take steps to re-align with your core values.
Recovering from a toxic relationship can be a challenging journey, but it is often how we figure out that what we think we want does not work and how we discover what we actually want – and need. Surround yourself with a supportive network of people and healthy distractions. Consider seeking professional help if you find it difficult to cope on your own. Healing takes time, so be patient and compassionate with yourself throughout the process.